He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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