'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
