"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
