oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
