Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
