When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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