Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
