Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
