Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
