Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
