So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
