I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
