She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just had sex on a roof
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
