I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
