I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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