I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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