after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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