WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize