He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize