I just saw a hot homeless man
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
