saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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