I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
