first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
