omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
