Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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