is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
