I CAN MOONWALK!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
