I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
