I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
