3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
