i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
