I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
