she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I love having hate sex.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
