The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
