just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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