i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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