I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
