Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
