I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
