i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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