I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
