Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
