even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
