i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize