haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
