My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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