if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
