...so i touched it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
