Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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