I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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