She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
