Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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