Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
