Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
