Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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