On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
